Scratched Record


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Maybe you are too young to know what this is, and if so, this a record player. As a teenager, I spent most in my time listening to the record until it was completely worn out; and it did not matter if the record was scratched and kept repeating the same words over and over again until I could afford to buy another one. But in the meantime, I would simply walked over to the record player and very carefully adjust the needle and put it back on track. Or sometimes, the needle would jump; that was irritating because it would skip over the best part of the song. For every season there was song. During times of heartache, I would listen to sad songs, during seasons of gratitude, I played songs that made me want to dance, and during seasons of mourning, I played songs of death.

Lately, I have been reflecting on the things that have been bringing me down, and like that scratched record, my mind would replay the same old song; repeating the same negative thoughts and taking me further down a path I would rather not replay. I have been feeling like something is pulling me back to that dark place where the Lord delivered me from. The place where I felt captive, and fearful of the shame that held me there. I have been experiencing triggers and as before, I tried curing myself through self-help. However, I thought about how the outcome was always the same. I also thought about the Israelites going around the mountain for forty-years grumbling, complaining, and arguing with one another; something we do in the privacy of our own homes. They wandered in the wilderness forty-years because of these sins; they wanted to go back to the land the Lord delivered them from. To the place where they were in captivity and slavery (Deuteronomy 1). Although they cried out to the Lord Yahweh for deliverance, and He did deliver them, they continued doing the same old things, and singing the same old songs grumbling, arguing, and complaining.

Why do we return to the things that oppressed us, could it be because of familiarly? Do we feel we have some control when we are being controlled by someone or something? Or maybe we feel like someone who once controlled us is trying to pull us back. I know this song too well, and like a scratched record, the outcome is always the same, but not this time, this time I have made the decision to fight back with Knowledge. First with the knowledge that Yahweh is in the midst of this battle, and He is fighting for me, not with me. He is before me, not me before Him (Joshua 5:14). Secondly, I am fighting back by learning how I can set boundaries, and creating healthy coping skills with the help of professional counselors; there is no shame in mental illness, and I would rather have someone who knows what they are doing than the opinions of someone who does not know what they are doing; the complexity of the mind can be a dangerous thing if you do not know what you are doing. In other words, would you let a dentist do heart surgery on you?

I asked someone the other day if she was still fighting this battle alone, and she said yes. I turned around and asked, “So how is that working out for you”? Later, I thought about myself because now, my counseling sessions are getting more intense and honestly, I am terrified to revisit the things that traumatized me. However, if don’t pursue this new journey, my life will continue just scratching the surface, and I will be jumping over the New Song Yahweh wants to sing over me.

So, I ask you now, have you been trying to heal yourself, and if so, how is that working out for you? Are you singing the same old song?