Before Saturday January 19th, I did something that was so not me, and it had me thinking, “Lisa, what is going on? What are you doing? What are you even thinking?!” I pondered these thoughts for a whole week, not knowing why I was doing what I was doing, and I even felt a bit selfish, but in the depths of my heart I knew I needed to do this, so I just did it! It was my birthday, and I coordinated every detail from invitations to food; heck, I even cooked, and I don’t cook!
To be honest, not once did I feel guilty about doing this, because I believe this was part of my healing process. For the past year, I have been learning so much about myself, and what I have allowed. I have been advocating for myself by setting boundaries not only towards those who overstep those boundaries, but also for myself; by not taking responsibility for others beliefs, actions, and choices. I have been learning to respect and be kind to myself. The Lord has brought so many people into my life who have surrounded me with love, prayers, support, and encouragement; I could not have done this on my own. When I prayed about this craziness, the Lord reminded me of that little girl I rejected most of her life, and always put her last. I was never kind to her and if I showed her kindness, I felt selfish and questioned my own motives; I was her worst enemy. This little girl that I am talking about is me. I never allowed nor gave myself permission to be happy, because I felt like I deserved to be punished for every stupid thing I ever did, and I made more mistakes than anyone can count, so happiness was too good a gift to give to myself. Again, the Lord reminded me of His Great Love by sending His Son to take my punishment and paying the debt for my sins, and again, I realized that true happiness wasn’t about what I can give myself as a gift, but what God gave me as a Gift. He gave me Life through His Son, and Freedom from the guilt of my past through the Forgiveness of all my sins; when Christ died on the Cross. It took me this long to finally get it and receive it. This birthday was the best birthday I ever had because I was celebrating a New Beginning with my family, allowing myself to live everyday rejoicing in the Love, and Grace He so freely gave to all who believe in His Only Begotten Son.