The Beast of Shame


“Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise Your name; the righteous shall surround me, for You shall deal bountifully with me” (Psalm 142:7) NKJV

For a long time, I suffered silently, and tried to fight my battles alone; I was defeated every time. But when I opened up to people who really cared enough to speak the truth in love and pray for me, my life has changed so dramatically, there aren’t enough words to describe the freedom I have longed for for so many years; death was at my door, and I almost succumb to it; I had no desire to live any longer; I was mentally drained, physically drained and spritually drained. I prayed the Lord would just take me home.

On December 31, 2016, I wrote in my new journal a poem called, “Beautiful Prison’. It was the beginning of a new journey for me, and I had no idea what kind of journey I was about to encounter. The Lord spoke to my heart and said, “You have been wading in the water too long, but now you need to go deeper and swim.” I became fearful at His words because I knew that there was something stronger than I had ever imagined, and it was holding me back; a force so powerful, I could not move forward. The only way I can describe it is, It had a hold on me, though there was nothing visible to the eye, my feet were bound so tight, it kept me locked in a spiritual dungeon. I know that my chains were broken and the door was wide open, but I could not walk in the freedom that Christ died to give me. I was stuck, ship-wrecked and felt completely alone until I cried out to the Lord, and He heard me. The Lord sent help through professionals, friends, leaders, my Pastor, family. He even brought my grammer school friends whom I considered them to be Special Forces back into my life!

For my birthday, which is January 19th, my best friend gave me a book called, “The Soul of Shame” by Curt Thompson, M.D. She was afraid she would offend me, but I thanked her for loving me in such a way, and for being obiedient to the Holy Spirit’s guidance. She could have chosen not to give it to me by giving in to the fear of offended me, but I know she deepley cares about me, therefore, I did not get offended. I began reading the book, but I couldn’t understand clearly, that was until Dr. Perry here on WordPress shared a video explaining, “Core Belief”; he gave me a better understanding of what I was experiencing, and that gave me the courage to get out and get help. But I was sidetracked, I sought the opinions of people who did not really know what they were talking about, and I am just as guilty for being opinionated when I have no idea what the hearer or reader is really going through. I began Googleing everything, and reading everything I can get a hold of; things written by professionals, I thought I was doing good. I diagnosed myself, my husband, and every person I can. Yeah, I became so consumed with knowledge, I couldn’t digest it all, I even named it, “Information Overload”, and by all this information without understanding, I had a Mental break-down. I was shaking and crying so much so, I could barely speak. My counselor stayed on the phone with me for about an hour; he did not preach at me, he did not tell me what to do, and when I told him all that I had read, he said all that is true, but I needed help from a professional; this was not something I can attempt on my own, so I began seeking his counsel.

A few weeks later, I had a Physical Break-down. I felt as though I had strep throat; I was in so much pain; I could not swallow anything, and my neck swelled so much, my throat had completely closed. I drove myself to the hospital where they believed I had a blood infection, but later after seeing my scan, they determined I had several tumors which had become infected. I was immediately put on antibiotics through an IV and admitted. I had several specialist keeping a close eye on me. I had an Ear, Nose and Throat Doctor, an Infectious Disease Control Doctor, an Oncologist, and a team of Interns, whom my Primary Care Doctor sent to keep watch over me because she was home sick with the flu, but was very concered; I love my Primary Care Dock! My room had a revolving door. Friends, family, my church family, and my Pastor surrounded me with their presence, and prayers; I was not fighting this battle alone, not this time!

Anyhow, when they were finally able to clear the infection, they removed one tumor, and thanks to the Lord, it was not cancerous; I still have one tumor left on my neck that is not cancer but I was able to go home, and set up an appointment with the E.N.T to schedule the other surgery. Upon my release, my health seemed to be getting better, but all those antibiotics wiped out my immune system, causeing yet another temporary health crisis, so instead of having another surgery, I decided to wait until I can build up my immune system again by taking probiotics, eating healthy, and rest.

Through all of that, I became confused as well. I became confused about my beliefs, and questioned my faith. I question God’s Word, I questioned God, and when I read the word, I doubted His love. I couldn’t even pray anymore, and when I prayed, I questioned if I was praying right, or wrong. Someone said to me that the devil was teaching me; those words led me to a Spiritual Break-down. At that point in time, I withdrew from attending church. Not because I blamed the church or anyone in the church, but because I just did not know what to believe anymore, and I know that even well-meaning christians can lead someone astray. I try very hard now not to voice my opinions as freely any longer, because I have expierenced spiritual confusion and it can cause a lot of damage or cause another to stumble. I know God is real, I know God loves me, but I questioned who I was listening to, and I also know there are those who say they are christians, but are not, they are wolves in sheeps clothing. And one question laid heavy on my heart, “Did I succumb to legisim again?

But evenso, even when the enemy thought he would defeat me again, God in His Great Mercy sent an Army and they surrounded me; defeating the enemy of my soul. Psalm 133 says, “Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!” 2 It is like the precious oil upon the head, running down on the beard, the beard of Aaron, running down on the edge of his garments. 3 it is like the dew of Hermon, descending upon the mountains of Zion; for there the Lord commanded the blessing-Life forevermore.

My enemy called Shame, intimidated me and controlled me. He kept me locked up in my beautiful prison. When I tried to escape, he would use people to confuse me, thus leading me back into my dungeon of dispair. The chains that held me captive were broken the day I gave my life to Jesus, over twenty years ago, but the beast of Shame kept me locked away. I want to share a dream I had about 5 years ago. I didn’t understand it at the time, but now I have gained understanding from recieving professional counseling; not opinions, but by professional counselors’. I call this dream, The Beast of Shame.

The Beast of Shame

In the dream, I was cleaning a sunk in bathtub and I was talking on the phone to my husband. I was describing to him what I had seen. The bathtub was in the corner of the bathroom and above it were two giant windows. Through the windows I seen a grapevine, and as I was making my way outside, I said, “It looks dead, but as I looked even closer, I told him it still looks like it’s alive, and with care and water, maybe it will come back to life. He asked me what else did I see? I looked up and there stood three giant trees that stood very high, and I couldn’t see the tops of them; they where so healthy and beautiful!

With the phone still in hand, I looked around, and I seen a pen, something like a dog pen. It was very dirty, and dark; there was also a little playhouse in it, this playhouse looked like the playhouse I had as a child in my grandmother’s yard; I couldn’t bring myself to look inside, but then I looked behind it and there stood a mighty black beast. He had the face of a vicious dog, and the body of a gorilla. He did not approach me; it was like he was blocking my path; as though he were intimidating me. I told my husband I had to get out of there and I dropped the phone and started running toward a chain link fence that was near-by, but the fence seemed to move away from me as though it was getting further and further.

I then ended up in a big house, but this house was dark too. I was confused because the people who lived there seemed like godly people. There was something that didn’t sit well within me. There was also three wolves that stood around me; I wasn’t afraid of the wolves, but I didn’t trust them; they seemed friendly, but again, something inside was not at ease.

When my Pastor came to visit with me in the hospital, I shared this dream with him. I told him that I did not completely understand the dream, but that because of all these that have happened to me, I believe that the Lord was showing me that the Three Trees represented, Mental Healing, Physical Healing, and Spiritual Healing. My Pastor agreed, and said now he knows exactly how to pray for me.

My counselor helped me understand that the things that made me uneasy was actually my intuition; that gut feeling that something is not right. I lost sight of this gift because I allowed the enemy to convince me that I was being judgmental, or it was just my imagination. I allowed legalism to rule over me, instead of Jesus my Savior. I refused His Grace by becoming religious.

And lastly, the playhouse in the pen in which I could not look in in the dream because I was afraid of what I would see, but I have and this is what I found inside.

I seen a little girl curled up in the corner. She was covered in filth, trembling with fear and crying. I crawed into the playhouse, and picked her up in my arms and held her tightly and began to cry with her. I told her that she was safe now, and I am not going to let anyone harm her ever again. I told her that I loved her, and I will not allow anyone to abuse her again, I will protect her.

I asked her to forgive me for leaving her there. I admitted that I had abused her mentally, physically and spiritually. I withheld love from her, and always put her last. I called her ugly, stupid, and I mistreated her. I allowed other’s to abuse her; I even tried to kill her a couple of times. You see, this little girl was me. In my mind, I seen me as now, holding me the child saying, “You are safe now, you are free from the Beast of Shame” because when Jesus died on the Cross, He bore my shame. That is what true love looks like. Think about it, Jesus hung on the Cross naked. He took your shame, and set you free from the beast of shame!

In closing, though I am not done yet, be assured that I am still on the path of recovery. I have had other dreams, but I will share those at a later time. God bless you so much, and may He use this all for His Glory.

“Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise Your name; the righteous shall surround me, for You shall deal bountifully with me” (Psalm 142:7) NKJV

Please take time to read, Isaiah 61, Psalm 142:7, Psalm 132, Isaiah 42

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