Today I became so overwhelmed, the floodgates opened up and I could not stop crying. Everything that I had pressed down over the course of this past year came out like pouring rain. We have had several funerals, my dad, our great grandson, my nephew, and a very dear friend. I became so numb I didn’t think anything would break me after such tragedies, and I still haven’t really mourned my losses because everything happened so quickly and with some, their deaths were sudden and unexpected like flash-floods or a monsoon. My own health had been declining due to my thyroid, but finally, I had surgery, and when I felt so much better, I worried that that was not normal. Just when I thought things were going to get better, my husband had a stroke, and was diagnosed with a tumor. Every undealt with emotion began stacking up like unpaid debt!
But these little things like a broken down car, financial hardships, and unexpected illness arise like a flash-flood and seem to be endless, I wanted to scream out, “Father, why have You forsaken me!” A few people have commented that I/we were experiencing bad luck, and for a moment, I began to wonder if God was punishing us, or me. The Lord has been teaching me to quickly remind myself of His spoken word, “There is no quilt, nor condemnation that can separate me from His love (Romans 8). These are the words I speak over myself when I feel forgotten, or unloved. Actually, I remind myself quite often, so that I will not fall back into depression. On the flip-side, when I don’t like my husband, or someone who has injured me for no apparent reason that I can see, I speak these words over them, so that I don’t become resentful or bitter toward them. These aren’t things I do because I have mastered them, I do these so that they will not master me anymore.
But today, I broke down and cried like a steady rain. I wasn’t angry, bitter, nor was there any resentment against anyone; not even poor Jess, because he was always the one I blamed. Just a steady cry; I gave myself permission to just flow, and after every tear stopped, I thought about all the things that went right instead of all the things that went wrong.
I thought about the freedom to just cry and feel loved instead of feeling rejected. I was free to be transparent in my weakness instead of feeling shamed because of my weaknesses. There was cleansing of all the things that polluted my mind; it was like the blue skies, and fluffy clouds after a storm. Everything that darkened my mind was like the sun bursting through the clouds. I felt refreshed and new. I gained a new perspective after my own storm, and this is just a tid bit of the whole picture. When everything seemed to be falling apart, they were actually falling into place. So instead of becoming angry because of all the things that went wrong today, I journaled all the things that went right, and I thanked the Good Lord for revealing His magnificent love after the storm.