He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in. He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. Not sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than He blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff. Is.40:22-24
Just recently I sat under the Sickame Tree thinking, "How in the world did I take care five children, plus two? And how did I work full time cleaning houses, work part-time teaching children how to cook, and cleaning up our kitchen in the after-school Peer Club, make dinner at home, clean our home, do laundry, run errands, and be a good wife to my husband." You know what I mean, the stuff no one pays any attention to until it is undone; and then the seems fall apart.
My body ached from torn ligaments, my feet hurt because I wore cheap shoes, stress was my companion and driving force. I hated my life, I hated myself for every wrong choice I ever made, I hated seeing myself, my actions and my deeds in my kids; and I had no idea that someone was always watching me.
But this was a good thing. I came to the place I hated and I even gave it a name. I call it the Sickame Tree (Sick of Me).
I became so sick and tired of all my complaints, whining, hating, lusting over things I wanted and wanted to change in myself, other’s, my children and worse yet, poor Jess! I really wanted to take that man and put him on my potter’s wheel and mold him, fashion him, poke at him, grind him to tiny little pieces to remake, reform, transform, and redo him to what my idea of what a godly man should be. I questioned every thing he said; I questioned his motives, his reasoning, and his authority. I even had the edacity to question God, saying, "Who is this that you gave me?" Yes, you know what I am talking about, you do it too!
"This is what the Lord says- The Holy One of Israel, and its Maker: Concerning things to come, do you question Me about My children, or give Me orders about the work of My Hands?"
As I sat under the Sickame Tree, the Lord reminded me of His grace that sustained me back in those day’s. He reminded me that even in my transgressions He showed loving kindness and mercy toward me by giving me the grace to do what needed to be done. He gave me the gift of compassion now to take up the slack for other’s as well without judging their shortcomings.
As I read John 8 the first thought that came to mind was, "Jesus took her past and gave her a future." Lately, I have been thinking of my past, and praising God for giving me a future hope.
You see, Day’s Journey was not my idea, it is Jesus who shows me what to write. It’s like a public journal of my own journey. I write, walk and learn everyday as I place my trust in Him.
I still work full time cleaning houses but now I am thankful for my job. Our daughter is pregnant with her second child, she goes to school on weekends and her husband works grave yard shift; so we pick our grand daughter every weekend. Yes, she is a delight, but the truth is, a baby is a full time job! We pick her up Friday’s after working all day and keep her until Monday morning. Instead of becoming overwhelmed with anxiety, my heart swells with joy because I can be a part taking up the slack for my daughter by helping her work towards a better future for her family; and being able to see Kayden take her first steps. I learn from her baby steps, how to walk with Jesus when she falls but get’s right back up because she knows that grandpa or grandma are cheering her on to keep getting up.
I teach Sunday School 2nd and 3rd grade girls, or better yet, they teach me what it means to be free enough to dance and lift my hands in different motions; expressing my love to the Lord freely. They remind me of childlike faith when we pray together as a group. I am reminded of how rejection feels, what self conscience did to me by holding me in bondage and I can go and lay my hand on them and pray secretly that the Lord deliver them from this cruel taskmaster. He does! Psalm 129.
Everyday I am being renewed by seeing the Grace of God in every detail of my own life. My thoughts are no longer dread, resentment, hatred, malice, jealousy. Yes, they try very hard to get in but I have learned to go to Jesus, cease the day by exalted His Name in my daily task, rather it be in cooking, cleaning, laundry, even dirty baby diapers, yes, I even thank the Lord that my grand daughter is not constipated! Constipation is yet another story for another time.
The Lord has showed me that my source of strength was never in myself, but always by His Grace. He was watching over me, giving me the strength to get back up when I fall because I know that the Lord is always before. My husband and children see God’s Grace all over me in these things, because they too are watching to see how I act, in my circumstances, toward their dad in situations that I or we have no control over; but we are willing chose not to complain, but trust in the Maker of All Things!
Who see’s You?